Anoche era atroz. Cuando mañana o esta noche esté lo mismo, voy a estallar. Tuve que utilizar casi toda de mi paciencia para quedarme razonable. Si otra vez ocurriera, se mataría.

Somehow, it is much more satisfying to be bitter in other languages other than English.

Spanish pop music drools from the speakers overhead as I wait to leave this place, to leave and hobble on feet which feel like pegs towards home. Once I arrive, I plan to create, in a pan of popping oil, palacinky. Palacinky are very tasty, especially when prepared with the diligence of a true Eastern European cook such as myself. That is about enough on that topic.

Someone told me today that it will take some time before I get up to speed on understanding that poetry-stuff. I suppose my response to his poem provoked that – and a purposefully silly response it was … indeed. If all of the poetry I have written of late was water, almost every camel on God’s Green Earth would dehydrate. That’s a fact.

Na Shledanou.

Monday I discovered a bank of computers providing internet access for absolutely free in the Egia Cultural Centre very near to my flat here in San Sebastián. So this morning, for the second in a row, here I sit. I will begin with a few pessimistic thoughts about drinking a litre of wine before noon.

Yesterday, after returning from this immaculately clean establishment to my immensely sordid room in my exceedingly annoying flat (because of its numerous vociferous occupants), I began sipping a jug of wine and reading the book I have appropriated concerning the history of Pais Vasco. I drained a litre in about 45 minutes and decided that the wooziness I felt chrurning within my tum-tum was indicating that I should cease. So I did. However, the remainder of the day was in shambles on the account of the short boozing session.

My mood picked up a tad whilst preparing lunch – a lively assortment of PIG and RICE coated with a sticky gravy-ish spicy sauce of my own making. Yum. My mood slipped quickly back into despondency, though, especially during the frequent pointless squabbles I had with Jana concerning nothing important at all (my mood contributed). These eventually flung her, as well, into a state of moodiness that I was not able to smash to bits with my hammer of delicacy until almost bedtime. Well, her bedtime. I remained awake reading for a few extra hours, disturbed only by here constant murmur from within her sleep.

This morning, the squabbles resumed. Fantastic. Apparently I look too much like a bum today. Her words.

The week is creeping by, really, mostly because I have only a single EURO in my pocket and most of my time is spent wondering how I shall spend it. No more money is in the sights of my forward looking periscope. C’est la vie. Possibly within two weeks I shall attempt the journey back to Prague hitchiking. I hope I can make it across the border with no problems. We shall see.

Someone sent me an email, so I have decided to begin writing in this damn fool thing again, absurd though it might seem. If anyone is interested, I am in San Sebastiàn, Spain, but not for long. Those damned jaws of chaos keep dragging me from place to place and I am too weary to stop them. Without a single EURO, I will wander the freeways of Europe in hope that I shall eventually arrive again in Prague.

I do not have the strength right now to be caustic.

Just to sleep and sleep until I awaken to a sunrise away from this dreary place.

Damn my luck at only finding the most terribly schizoid of women. Her mood vacillates between totally lovely and completely full of hate. Within the same two hours, we can be walking arm in arm in Munich’s gentle evening breeze and also be in a pernicious debate concerning some failing I had 10 months prior. Her scorn seems endless. When I am not the subject of her pointed ridicule, she does her best to find someone (anyone!) else to beat flat, cut to pieces, and feed triumphantly to wild pigs.

I should not have sacrificed so much.

Now I am frozen here (and subject to her caustic evening onslaught) until I have enough money to move on. Two months? Fuck.

Samba sucks. Sometimes my left collarbone needs a good greasing. I keep thinking about the toothless fish which swims in my dreams. Obviously I have nothing to say today. Okay.

After sitting in front of a terminal for most of the day, my brain is in a deflated state. Difficulty concentrating. Plague. Coffee or cigarettes may be the solution.

Last night, I created a spectacular pureed vegetable soup (potatoes, parsnips, carrots, leek, etc) which still awaits me this evening. Well, if the woman has not consumed it all.

The night before was Panang Curry with eggplant, red bell pepper and carrots over rice. Also damn tasty.

If tonight the soup is not enough, I shall whip up some gnocchi in a cream sauce. I could be happy just preparing food for the most of my future lifetime.

As long as I had good music to listen to in the process.

Blurmp.

yeah, this is more fun than working.

• If there are 3 wells (love, beauty, and creativity) and you can drink from one of them, which would you choose?

that’s like asking whether you’d drink coffee, vodka or water if you were dehydrated.

• Do you wish on stars?

no.

• Would you kill someone?

yes.

• Who are you jealous of?

no one.

• Who would you marry?

no one.

• Do you think that the people on the gap commercials are cool?

i have never seen a gap commercial.

• If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

yes.

• Are you a daredevil?

yes.

• How big was the biggest mango you ever had?

one cubic light year.

• Have you ever told a secret that you swore you wouldn’t repeat?

yes.

• Do you pray?

no.

• Have you ever met anyone famous?

yes.

• Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

maybe a mirage-pot-of-gold.

• How do you vent anger?

i put nicotine patches on sleeping people.

• Are you trendy?

absolutely.

• Are you passive or aggressive?

neither.

• Who is your second family?

might well ask who my FIRST is.

• Do you trust others easily?

no.

• What was your favorite toy as a child?

a plastic duck named ‘lucky’.

• What class in school do you think is totally useless?

anything relating to computers.

• Do you think your life so far has been good?

yawp.

• Which was your best Halloween costume?

the one i wore on halloween 1990.

• Have you ever been on radio or television?

yes, both.

• Do you keep a diary.

yes, rather consistently.

• Have you ever intentionally hurt another person?

yes.

• Have you ever been in a mosh pit?

no.

• Do you feel understood most of the time?

yes.

• Would you rather have a sore throat or an upset stomach?

i don’t have a stomach. i had it removed as a child. so i will chose the former.

• What is the new saying that you’ve been using a lot?

put this in your urethra and smoke it.

• What is your all time favorite song?

mekanik destruktiw kommandoh by magma.

• What was the best Christmas present you received?

a gallon of morphine.

• Could you be a vegetarian?

yes.

• What word do you use when you think something is good?

turnip.

• What band has the funniest name?

the motor totemists’ guild.

• Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?

yes.

• Who is your favorite talented white rapper?

i know no white rappers.

• Have you ever given money to a bum?

often.

• What are you worried about right now?

if they will find the body.

• Do you ever wear overalls?

only on thursdays.

• Do you hate anyone?

no.

• Do you regret anything?

of course. what are you, stupid?

• Who do you love?

satan.

• What are you going to do next?

finish the isapi dll i am writing.

• What is your favorite quote?

“Being sentient sucks.” -splunty.

• Name 2 people you want to thank for their friendship?

my two deceased pet rats.

• Have you ever considered a religious vocation?

yes.

• What’s your biggest dream/wish?

freedom.

• What is the one modern thing you could never live without?

electricity.

• Have you ever done anything illegal?

yes.

• Have you ever thought with another’s head?

yes.

• Who do you like better, N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys?

i have never heard either.

• What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guys/girls standing on the sidewalk?

ignore them.

• What do you regret doing or not doing in your life the most?

staying in texas so long.

• What things are you afraid of most?

stagnation.

If I ever complete any novel-length piece of work, I am going to either title it ‘The Ballad of an American Dreamer’ (yeah, stolen, but I doubt the originator of the title will care) or ‘Shithouse Literature’.

I am thankfully alone in the office at the moment. Approximately 30 more minutes of non-itchy bliss. I hate that itchy kind of bliss. It never fails to irritate. Then there is the Christie kind of Bliss, but I think she is in Illinois.

The Czech d00d working here poked his head in and rattled off a few phrases about RAM or somesuch. He reminds me so much of the brainless Jiri from 12Snap that I feel often the urge to violently vomit the contents of my digestive system onto his primness.

Yes, 30 fleeting minutes until my meeting. We will discuss inchoate ideas and from them devise half-baked plans. Same shit, different gathering of the intelligentia where I work. Damn. I have been here less than a week and I am already one jaded motherfucker. I’d rather be a jade motherfucker, actually.

Jsem velmi sileny z idioty.

Two nights ago, we attended an ‘avante-garde’ ballet. I was, frankly, impressed. The music during the first set was fully percussive and incorporated quite nice timbral textures locked in polyrhythmic grooves. Too bad I did not catch the composer’s name. Bastard me. The second was a revelling rolick of semi-dark, upbeat symphonic stuff with hoards of balleters scrambling in a frenzy around the stage while a single, white-clad one practised stretches, oblivious, behind the bars of a cage. Near the end, the music turned more dissonant and the revelers left. The lone dancer came to the forefront and careened and pirhouetted for the best performance of the night. Quite entertaining.

I reserved tickets for the Anekdoten/Present/Magma performance in July. Wee hee!

First day at work. Sunday was a stupifying whorl of one stimulus after another. I arrived in Prague at about 5am. I shuffled sleepily around the city (from Florenc to Vaclavske Namesti to Namesti Republiky and finally to Masarykovo Namesti) and boarded the train to Usti Nad Labem at approximately 7.30. I had a few beers on the way and struggled down dry bread and salami. I fell asleep on the train and missed the stop. Luckily, the attendant awakened me before the next stop and I got on the first train BACK to Usti (I would have eneded up in Dresden – which would have been a catastrophe).

Being in Usti was nostalgic, sleepy and mostly incoherent though I was. Hela was amicable (as was her Floridian boyfriend) and returned my CDs (in two batches … she had to go fetch what she forgot whilst I sat in a cafe sipping coffee and rum). I got back to Prague at 13.00 or thereabouts.

The troubling thing that I learned whilst in Usti was the fact (maybe heresay? I am not sure, but I am still frightened) that Andrew is in prison. Prison. For 30 years. Fuck. Hela smiled her little smile and said something along the lines of that was the direction in which he had been heading anyhow…

What on God’s Smoky Earth could have Andrew done to land in prison for 30 years? Methinks something concerning taxes, evasion, fraud, and everything else wrapped up in that farce of a company he had insisted on fronting (and Rob backing – where is Rob? Does he know?). The same ‘company’ which enlisted the services of Jenicek and me for about 1 1/2 years. Maybe I should count myself lucky to have flushed myself from the urinal of that establishment.

The highlight of the day was the long, involved conversation with Jenicek over countless beers and vodka. Parallels. Chris calls me ‘brother’. I likewise call him and Jenicek the same. We have, no matter our space and time apart, similar aims, similar thoughts, and – most importantly – similar grievances.

I remember very little of the bus ride back, but somehow found my way (accompanied by two exceptionally heavy packs full of CDs) to my flat and crashed into brief oblivion. Yesterday was spent huddled on the couch at times deep in thought and at other times absorbed in music in which I had not had the chance to drown myself for nearly a year.

I sense the coming of a routine. May it not break me.